The debt ceiling crisis has dominated the national dialogue for months now, to the point where we don’t even bother talking about how we’re still fighting in Libya despite President Obama’s declaration that it’d be a matter of weeks not months, nor does it get much press that Iraq was the deadliest month for American troops in the past two years.
But it sure has been entertaining political theater. In fact, it’s so much like a Hollywood blockbuster that I thought it might be worth looking back at some movies that could end up being extremely prescient metaphors for our current debt ceiling debate.
We’re nearing the end of the second act, with all the tension building as the ticking clock of the August 3rd deadline looms so close and the parties look like they’re nowhere near a deal.
Depending on how it all works out, here are some possible cinematic analogues to the debt ceiling crisis that we’re witnessing daily on cable news:
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines – After an exhilarating back-and-forth chase sequence after chase sequence that we swear we’ve seen before almost exactly, we come to some agreement at the 11th hour (hallelujah!) only to find that Moody’s lowers our credit rating anyway (Skynet is the Internet!), jacking up interest rates (launching nuclear strikes at Russia!) and tanking the already sluggish economy even more (robopacalypse!). At least John Connor is still alive and kicking so he can send a savior into the past later in the future to save the past from the future even though the future is inevitable so either way the world ends up as burning rubble.
2012 — Both parties are too busy blaming each other for the debt ceiling crisis and making competing bills that have no chance of being approved by the other party (or even by their own party) that they miss the deadline, we go into default, the global economy collapses, mass chaos and world wars until a fraction of the population is left alive but everything is better now that we can start over from a clean slate now that we’ve learned our lesson about the dangers of fiscal irresponsibility. Directed by Roland Emmerich.
Nick of Time — Obama as Johnny Depp and Boehner as Christopher Walken, not that one is the good guy and the other is the bad guy, but more that Boehner manages to have the upper-hand despite controlling only 1/3rd of the government but he’s holding the economy hostage much like Depp’s daughter and so Obama finds himself between a rock and a hard place just like Johnny — kill the governor or your daughter dies. Cave to the Republicans or America defaults. This one actually ends well even if it’s rather unbelievable. The daughter lives in the end and Boehner’s time as Speaker of the House ends as the freshman House Republicans cannibalize him for striking any deal that Obama agreed to. But you can’t imagine that Depp and his daughter are going to be emotionally sound any time after that ordeal.
Pretty Woman — The prostitute with the heart of gold. The businessman who learns the value of building a product rather than tearing companies apart just to make a dollar (and also puts aside the fact that his new-found love used to have sex for money while trolling Hollywood Boulevard). In this case, they’re one and the same — politicians on all sides whoring themselves out to big business for campaign donations and the expense of the middle class (dignity, STDs, etc.). You get the idea. Also the least likely scenario to end up coming to fruition in real life. 2012 is more realistic than this fairy tale. Maybe if Go West were providing the soundtrack to CSPAN it would give us that same optimistic feeling. Go West makes everything better. Even a debt ceiling crisis.
Heaven’s Gate — Nothing good comes from this one. Director Michael Cimino went drastically over budget on his Western epic, reportedly having sets rebuilt from the ground up because minor details that weren’t even going to be captured on screen weren’t up to his standards. It was one of the biggest bombs in all of Hollywood history, destroying Cimino’s career and bankrupting the studio that funded it, United Artists. A total disaster for just about everyone involved except for the actors, many of whom still have careers to this day, 30 years later. Substitute United Artists with the global economy, Michael Cimino for average Americans, and the actors for the politicians. Arguably a worse outcome than 2012.
The Sixth Sense — Everything’s leading up to this supernatural climax where the little kid can see dead people and Bruce Willis’s wife won’t speak to him and we find out – gasp! – Willis has been dead the whole time! What a twist! Substitute the Congress for Haley Joel Osment and the rest of us watching this political theater are the movie’s audience only to find Obama come out of left field by invoking the 14th Amendment. This whole charade was just a sham! All just exciting political theater to provide us new entertainment since all movies this summer are either remakes or adaptations! The debt ceiling could be raised this whole time! You got us M. Night Obamamaylan.
I’ve got my money on Nick of Time. But there’s a totally possible chance of T3.
But actually, I think the real winner of this debt ceiling crisis is:
AVP: Alien vs. Predator — The movie’s tagline was “Whoever wins, we lose.” I think that just about sums it all up to a tee.
Photo courtesy of Heritage Vancouver’s Flickr Photostream.
